First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
