The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
