I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
