What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
