as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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