You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
