Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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