I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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