Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
