I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
