i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
