I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
