We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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