My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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