Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
50% drunk capacity currently
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I need water and some morals
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
