new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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