just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
