I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
