remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
