I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Last time i carry you out of a forest
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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