I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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