Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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