I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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