I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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