My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
