I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
