I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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