Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
