Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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