im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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