i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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