you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
