Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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