if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
