my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
