GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
