my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I FOUND THE LEGS
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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