she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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