ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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