high people should be assigned attendants
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Houston, we have a squirter
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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