You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
