I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
