sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
