are you so shy because you have an std?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
