Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
