and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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