a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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