idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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