I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
