Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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